More Experience = More Tentative 😳

Dear Ben, hope you are well.

You would think that, the more experience I have the more tentative I would become… but no, I have been plagued with self doubting, lower self confidence and uncertainty.

To be honest though, I would say it’s probably  now showing itself, not only because of experience but because of age.

I used to be the opposite of tentative- let’s call it carefree but confident. Always believing that good will prevail & that hard work will bring great reward.

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After having questionable relations, albeit, friendships or relationships, and making questionable work decisions- I would have to say that I now stand in #tentative shoes.

I question everything, hardly give people the benefit of the doubt and, well, work- that’s a whole other thing- I  seek the advice from several people before making any major or sometimes rather minor decisions. I don’t feel as confident or as trusting of myself, and, decisions.

Is that such a bad thing though? The more i think about it, the more I think its actually a good place to be, well, for me anyway.

“everything happens for a reason”

I am grateful for where I am in my life, and where all of those decisions has brought me- but sometimes the “human” in me takes over- and I just shut down. I refuse to think, speak or do.

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That lead me to decide to leave it all to the universe, to not think or take any actions-Another silver lining ? Sorry guys i can pretty much find the silver lining in almost every thing, but yes, getting to that point was not easy, as I am accustomed to having 10 thoughts jingling around in my mind at any given time. It feels like such a relief to not have to figure things out all the time, and to not have a plan b,c, d & e if plan “a” doesn’t work out.

Confidence is a funny thing… To be continued.

With Warm Regards & Island Love

Tentative Vanita


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